


Miss the Misery

by Gonewiththeblizzard



Category: Political RPF - US 20th c., Political RPF - US 21st c.
Genre: Dark, F/M, Fucked Up, Love, Misery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-13
Updated: 2019-03-31
Packaged: 2019-08-01 12:28:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 10,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16284611
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gonewiththeblizzard/pseuds/Gonewiththeblizzard
Summary: Marred by lies, pain and betrayal, Bill and Hillary Clinton's explosive marriage made them both miserable. Some time after seemingly breaking from the toxicity of their relationship, their paths will cross once again and they will find themselves unable to quit their all-consuming love that brings out the best and the worst in them.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I'm back! I was going to take a break but what can I do when inspiration strikes? I hope you'll let me know what you think and please buckle your seat belts because things aren't going to be pretty! x

Hillary sighed after she finished her glass of milk. She tidied up the cozy kitchen of the house they had rented for the weekend before going to check on her son. 

Tommy had fallen asleep watching cartoons and rested splayed on the rug, surrounded by his favorite stuffed animal. Hillary picked up her sleeping son and his elephant friend and tucked them inside his big bed for the night. He was growing so fast and soon enough he’d need a bigger bed like this at home. It seemed like yesterday when he was just a tiny baby, like his brother. She kissed his forehead and went to her youngest son’s crib. Trevor was out like a light. At 10 months old, he had just started walking and had spent the day toddling around the airport. She caressed his soft blond hair. 

She loved her children, they were her whole life. She finally had the life she always wanted, a family of her own, a promising career in Washington as a children’s lawyer, and a beautiful townhouse in Georgetown with a garden and a dog. But not with whom she wanted. 

She carefully walked into the master’s bedroom to find her husband reading on their bed. He smiled at her and patted the empty side of the bed. She had to smile back as she joined him. He was a good man. A dedicated professional, a hands-on father and a loving husband. He was everything she thought she had always wanted and he would be if she hadn’t met Bill. 

She missed his intellect, how he could give her a run for her money when they discussed policy. She missed his sense of humor, how he could make her laugh until her belly hurt and there were tears in her eyes. She missed the sex, how he’d worship her body with such reverence. 

And she missed the darker side too. The rollercoaster of emotions. The lies and the pain. The vicious fights and the making up. She missed hating him and loving him more than anything at the same time. Hillary knew it was fucked up, but she missed the misery that went hand in hand with the happiness. If she could go back in time, she would. 

But that ship sailed the day she went out to seek revenge after yet another betrayal and came back home pregnant with another man’s child. After several years trying to have a child together, that was the last blow in their already battered marriage. He never forgave her and left her no other choice than to divorce him. In less than two months she married her current husband, Tom Miller, in a shotgun wedding. 

Six months after that, Bill remarried too. Annelise, his new wife, was a beautiful southern belle that in just a couple of months won over the hearts of the people in Arkansas, including Virginia’s, like Hillary couldn’t in the four and a half years she was married to Bill. His polls numbers skyrocketed when Hillary left and against all odds, he won reelection and was currently serving a second term as Governor of Arkansas. She’d heard from friends that he was happy, that he had moved on. She’d assured them that she had too. 

But the truth was that she hadn’t. It was embarrassingly clear that the wound was still open, that the void he left was still to be filled. It did not help that they were in the same town for their 10-year Yale reunion. She’d spent the past week alternating between vomiting into the toilet due to the anxiety it caused her to see him again and getting off to the memories of him. She just couldn’t stop thinking about him, even when she was in her husband’s embrace. It wasn’t fair to Tom, who supported her, loved her, gave her two children and would move heaven and earth to make her happy. But he simply wasn’t Bill. 

Hillary kissed her husband passionately, wanting to exorcise Bill from her mind like the devil he was. When her tongue slipped into his mouth he softly stopped her. 

“I’m sorry, hon. I’m exhausted. Traveling with the kids really wore me out. I don’t know where you get the energy to do all you do, you’re wonder woman and I love you” he told her. He was good with words, he made her feel good with them, but she sometimes felt that he was all words no action. “I’m going to sleep now. I promised Tommy I was going to take him fishing tomorrow morning. You should do the same, hon. You are going to need your strength for tomorrow.” 

Hillary looked at her watch, it was only eight-thirty. What a boring life she had, she thought. On a normal day, she’d have gone to bed with her husband or maybe read something but today she was in New Haven, a town that brought her so many good memories. She was not going to waste a Friday night by going to bed at eight-thirty. It didn’t matter to her that she was going alone, since she didn’t know the phone numbers of the places where her friends were staying, she was determined to have fun. 

She kissed her husband and after promising him to be back before midnight, she was out. 

*** 

When he decided to go out for a midnight drive, he didn’t expect to see her of all people. He saw her from behind, strolling casually along the promenade. Although she had changed her hair, he knew she was Hillary. He’d recognize that sway of hips anywhere. Just by looking at them, he was instantly hard. He decided to drive up to her, to see if he was lucky. 

“Wanna go for a ride?”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your wonderful response to the first chapter! It means a lot.  
> I hope you'll like this one, too.

Startled, Hillary looked at him, seeming like a bad boy in his black Buick Riviera. His hair was grayer than she remembered, giving him a mature air she found irresistible. He was sporting that smile that always made her week at the knees. 

“No” she answered, with a disgusted expression on her face. But it was a façade. Deep inside she wanted him to keep insisting even if she didn’t know his real intentions. She missed the mystery that always surrounded Bill.

“Your loss” he simply said. He wasn’t going to beg, no matter how horny he was. Truth be told, he’d been horny since he learnt she would be attending their 10-year reunion too. He’d been with many women, but nobody held a candle to Hillary in bed, not even his wife. He begrudgingly admitted Annelise was no match for Hillary in many aspects, but at least she wasn’t a two-faced bitch.

He sped up, leaving a furious Hillary behind. Suddenly, she heard the clap of thunder and it started pouring. _Great,_ she thought, and, in that moment, she saw Bill’s car stopping a few feet in front of her. She looked around, there were no cabs nor a place where she could wait for the rain to stop, and her house was a good 15 minutes away. Bill was the only thing standing between her and pneumonia. She ran towards the black sports car and got in.

“Thanks” she told Bill, as she fastened her seatbelt. She was trying to avoid looking at him. They hadn’t been together in a car since the day they signed the divorce papers and that made her uncomfortable. 

"You don’t have to thank me. I’m always a gentleman, even to bitches like you” Hillary looked out the window, but Bill was not having it. “Why won’t you look at me when I’m talking to you? Do I make you nervous?”  

“No” she didn’t hesitate to answer and looked at him defiantly. She quickly regretted it when she found him staring back with those light turquoise eyes that could see her soul. She felt exposed, yet she couldn’t take her eyes off his and neither could he. It was magnetic. A car honked to alert Bill that the light was now green, and he reluctantly looked back at the road. 

“So, we rented a house on Sea Street, in City Point” she informed him, trying to sound as calm as she could. 

“I’m not taking you home” he simply said, and Hillary had to remind herself that he was the same Bill she married. Even if he hated her, he would never hurt her or anyone. Nevertheless, she couldn’t just let him win this verbal battle and take her anywhere against her will. But was it really against her will? Truth be told, his mere presence was exhilarating, and his dark, mysterious demeanor had every one of her nerve endings on fire. 

She buffed and crossed her arms in dramatic fashion and looked out of the window, trying to make out where he was taking her in the middle of the stormy night. They bypassed Cody’s Diner where they met countless of times to sneak in a greasy meal in between study sessions, the train station where she realized she wanted him to accompany her in all her journeys, the Shubert theater where Bill spent a fortune for her first birthday together and where she rewarded him with a steamy blowjob in the middle of the theater. She involuntarily pressed her legs together, wishing the sensations that particular memory was awakening in her body would vanish altogether. 

He turned left and stopped at a red light, in front of a big sign that indicated that the Yale Art Gallery was 300 feet away. Where it all begun. Her eyes immediately filled with tears remembering how happy she was that day. It was their first date and she went with him without pretensions. Bill was just a handsome and smart guy in one of her classes, was there anything wrong in wanting to know him better. But she left with more than she bargained for. She found the person who made her the happiest, and hurt her the most, her one true love. But they weren’t meant to be together. 

She looked at Bill and noticed how his eyes were brimming with tears too, how his hands were gripping the steering wheel forcefully and how his face was turning red with pent-up rage and anguish. They had loved each other with all they had, even when it hurt. If only they had been stronger, they could have had it all, which only made the pain of his crushing weaknesses and her final betrayal sting more. Would that wound ever close? 

Bill suddenly hit the brakes and made an abrupt U-turn. He was glad there weren’t any cops in sight as he sped in the opposite direction, driving away from the past, and his feelings. He ignored Hillary’s seemingly endless questions about their destination. When they were together, he’d always loved how opinionated she was, and how she always spoke her mind but now he just wished she’d shut up. The more he heard her voice the angrier he became. 

“So, tell me, Hillary, where were you going when I picked you up? Were you meeting a new lover like the whore you are? Does your husband know he married a slut?” he fired his shots one after another, each of them more ill-intentioned than the last. He didn’t know what he was trying to accomplish; shut her up, hurt her, feel better himself… but he was just hollow. 

“And where were you going? Were you trying to find the cheapest floozy to give you AIDS? I hope your wife is getting tested regularly” Hillary shot back, ignoring his previous questions. She knew how much he hated being ignored. 

“Is that what you’re hoping I picked you up for?” he smirked, and she clenched her fists as her face turned red. Bill: 1, Hillary: 0. He enjoyed “Sorry to disappoint you but my wife makes me so incredibly happy. She’s everything you are not, and I have more than enough with her.” 

“Well that’s not what Diane, Wilson, Webb, Pat, Amy and Vince say” she said, mentioning the names of old friends from Arkansas with whom she kept in touch. He couldn’t fool her.  “Do you ever wonder if all those women want you just because of your position? Because frankly, you’re mediocre at best. I hope your wife is getting some on the side like I did, otherwise she must be deeply unsatisfied.” 

Tie. In an unspoken agreement, they both decided to leave it there, knowing how much pain their words could cause. After a while, Bill finally stopped, in an eerily deserted area near the sea, surrounded by trees. The storm had turned into drizzle and they could hear the faint sound of the waves hitting against the rocks. Hillary immediately recognized the place. How could she not? It was where they said _I love you_ for the first time. She remembered how overjoyed she was because for the first time in her life, it felt real. His words, his kisses, his lovemaking until the sun set as he promised her she was the only one for him. What a handsome liar he was. 

“Why did you bring me here?” she asked, trying to remain calm, but her patience slipped when her words were met with silence as Bill stared at the horizon. “What kind of twisted game are you playing? You are sick! I demand you take me back!” Hillary grabbed his arm, forcing him to look at her.

He finally responded, by crushing his lips against her.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to EAS1928 for your help and thank you all for your wonderful response to the past two chapters.   
> Enjoy!

After her initial shock and in spite of what her rational mind told her, Hillary found herself kissing him back. She realized she’d missed Bill’s kisses more than she thought. She had missed the way his ravenous mouth roughly explored the inside of hers, as one hand threaded in her hair and his thumb rubbed her nape, while his other hand rested on her waist, just below her breasts where it would surely climb in the next few seconds. When it did, he pinched her sensitive nipple over her shirt and bra, setting her insides on a fire only he could quench.

She wanted him, she couldn’t help herself. For all his faults, he was a great kisser and a great lover. She wasn’t surprised he was a player. What woman in her right mind would not want him? And he, a man with such an intense sex drive, how could he say no to a woman? That thought made her uneasy. What if this was all it was? Him satisfying his sexual needs with the first warm body he could find? 

Or worse, what if it was just a sick sexual game like the ones they played in the darkest days of their marriage? Games that always hurt more than they healed. She prided herself on having come so far, from the girl who was at mercy of the dangerously sexy Bill Clinton to the strong independent woman she was now. She was now a married mother of two, what would her children think if they knew? No matter how much she wanted him, she had to stop before she did something she regretted. 

Hillary swiftly pushed him away and swiftly exited the car. She stopped at the edge of the cliff, trying to calm herself down. Eventually, she realized how stupid she was being. She couldn’t stay in the rain forever and only Bill could take her back. Thus, she went back to the car, trying to convince herself that she would be strong and she would just ask him to take her back. But her resolve waned as soon as she saw him standing next to the vehicle.  

He looked incredibly sexy, with his damp shirt clinging to that broad chest she loved so much and that promising bulge straining in his pants. She couldn’t help but lick her lips and he bit his own as he surveyed her wet appearance, her white shirt now completely translucent from the downpour. He felt himself getting even harder and she noticed. He liked what he saw and that caused a pleasant warmth to spread throughout her body despite the chilly temperature.  Damn her needy self and her undying need for his approval. 

Need. That was she felt for him, she needed him and that need would always haunt her if she didn’t purge him from her mind. This was her chance; she knew where she stood now and what she wanted. In a split second she made her choice, nobody would find out, she would enjoy this last time with him and never think about him again. At least that was what she told herself. Sensing a change in her attitude, Bill took a step forward and extended his arm to her. Next thing he knew, she was in his arms again, passionately kissing him. 

He turned her around and hoisted her up to sit her on the hood of his car. He quickly divested her of her bootcut jeans and her blue cotton panties, his breath catching in his throat when he realized how wet she was already. Hillary opened her legs, indecently exposing her swollen wet pussy to him. “Fuck” was the only thing he managed to say. “Me” she added, moving her heeled boot-clad foot to his crotch to tortuously stimulate his throbbing member in a movement he found irresistible. 

He had a weakness for sex with her shoes on and she took advantage of that. He was already on the brink of cumming. Bill took a step back and undid his pants just as Hillary, horny as she had ever been, played with her pussy to bring herself to an even higher state of arousal. Tired of waiting, he forcefully grabbed her hand and sucked her wet fingers into his mouth, savoring her delicious essence, as he slid his painfully hard cock inside her hot tight depths.

They were restless, fucking desperately, like animals mating. With every stroke he hit her cervix and she saw stars. But they were forced to pause when the rainy sky above them illuminated with lightning. Their eyes met, reflecting the desire, the fear, the pain, and the love they still felt. For a second it was as if no time had passed and they were still those young law students who thought they would grow old together. When everything was dark again, he picked up his pace with tears in his eyes, hoping to shut his aching heart with his rough movements.

He hit her G-spot repeatedly and within seconds, Hillary came. Her toes curled in pleasure and she shut her eyes tightly, keeping the tears of ecstasy and pain at bay. Bill pulled out and turned her around. He rubbed his sensitive rock-hard member between her cheeks and soon enough he was coming on her succulent round ass. 

When the orgasmic haze passed, they abruptly pulled apart. They dressed up quickly and in silence, both ashamed of having let their weaknesses get the best of them. They went back into the car and they drove in silence.

“Are you cold?” Bill asked Hillary when he felt her shiver. She shook her head dismissively but she was sopping wet. Nevertheless, he increased the heating. 

He couldn’t help it, he was worried about her. He told himself it was what he would do with any other human being but the truth was that he cared about Hillary. He cared about her more than he cared about anyone, even though she broke his heart. He hated that. He pulled over when they arrived at Sea Street to drop her off. 

“Thank you” muttered Hillary. 

 She didn’t know for what she was thanking him; for taking her home? For making her feel good? Bill didn’t even look at her and she proceeded to get out. She didn’t know what she was expecting but being coldly dismissed was not it. But why wouldn’t he? He got what he wanted from her, she was of no use to him now. He really hated her that much and she reckoned he had every right. 

“Hillary, wait” he called her. She turned around, hope in her eyes. She watched as Bill took out his walled and pulled out a $100 bill he gave to her. “For your services” He smiled sardonically at her before leaving, but he felt dead inside. 

Hillary stood there, allowing her tears to fall freely for the first time that night. She tore up the bill and entered the house, humiliated and alone. She was determined to forget Bill Clinton once and for all.

*** 

It was proving to be harder than she thought. The truth was that she missed him. She missed his roughness, his passion and especially the brief connection she felt when that lightning lit up the sky, in the place where he effectively stole her heart. That brief moment made her feel whole. It made her feel that everything was going to be alright. 

But it wasn’t, she was swarmed with work the moment she returned to DC and she had to juggle it with her family. And no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop thinking about him.

Respite came one day when she received a call at her office. 

“I need to see you again.”


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay. I'm in the middle of my finals. I hope you like it! :)

Bill opened the door after the first knock, both excited an anxious that she had finally arrived. He welcomed such feelings, it was a nice change from the numbness that had consumed him for the past few days. She swiftly entered the motel room, wrinkling her nose at the state of the place, with empty beer bottles scattered around the floor and a half eaten pizza on the bed. Bill became uncomfortable at her judgement and lashed out. 

“I’m glad you made it. I was about to call another prostitute” he told her, with a fake smile plastered on his face. It had become a pattern for him, whenever she hurt him, willingly or not, he would strike back harder. When they started dating, he never thought he would find any comfort in hurting her but there they were. Broken beyond repair.    

“If you disrespect me again. I swear I’m leaving” Hillary retorted. One thing she had promised herself is that she would never let him know when he’s hurt her again. Paradoxical, since the root of it all, his desire to hurt her, was something she had accepted as the new norm but he didn’t need to know that. 

“Sorry, I just thought you weren’t coming. I thought you’d stood me up like last month” he decided to capitulate. 

Hillary couldn’t help but feel guilty for not having showed up when they had arranged a date after he called her office. But she remained silent. She’d rather have him thinking she did it on purpose than knowing she had been victim of a paralyzing case of cowardice. She, who prided herself in being a strong woman, was ashamed of her weaknesses when it came to him. Just like in that moment, when he slowly approached her biting his lower lip and kissed her passionately, it was hard to say no. But she had to. 

“Bill, please” she managed to pull apart. “Can we please talk?” he kissed her again, rougher this time. It was proving so hard to resist. It was so easy to abandon all pretense for conversation and get lost in her lust for him. She always thought he was like the devil, a temptation that she knew that was no good but felt amazing. Finally, she gathered all her strength and pushed him. “Stop it! Goddammit, why does it seem like you only want sex?” 

“And what do you want, Hillary? Don’t tell me you didn’t expect sex when you agreed to come and you’re here to have tea and talk about the invasion of Grenada” he was irritated. Hillary looked down, and he decided to change tactics. “Come here” he said as he moved the pizza away and sat down on the bed, motioning for her to sit next to him. “What do you want to talk about? How much I want you? How hard I am since you came strutting in with your perky tits and your high and mighty attitude? I remember my voice used to make you so wet.” 

He brazenly moved his hand to her crotch and rubbed her pussy through her pants before she grabbed it and moved it away. She couldn’t give up, there was a reason why she came. Something they couldn’t ignore any longer “I would rather talk about you. How are you? With everything that’s going on… how’s the campaign going? 

The dam broke, the pink elephant in the room could be ignored no more. Bill gritted his teeth and Hillary braced herself for the outburst. 

“How am I? How am I really? How do you think I am!?” he screamed to her face and Hillary fought the urge to recoil. She wasn’t going to let him intimidate her. He stood up and starting pacing the room. “I’m great, I’m fucking great! My fucking campaign is crumbling because a bitch is saying I raped her and my fucking disloyal wife wasted no time in siding with her and has asked me for a divorce! And to top it all you won’t fuck me, you selfish whore!” he stopped pacing and walked straight up to her face, looking at her with darkened eyes filled with fury. “I bet you’re enjoying this aren’t you? Seeing my second marriage fail, my campaign fail, me fail. You think I deserve it for all the time I slept around on you? You think I really raped her?”

“No” was all she could say, softly, almost like a whisper. No, she knew he could never rape anyone and no, she wasn’t enjoying it. After all these years, it hurt seeing him hurt and his words were like daggers in her heart. She still loved him, that was abundantly clear now, but he was different, meaner than he had ever been. It made her realize not only that her love was unrequited now, but that maybe it never was. There was nothing she could do to stop that tear rolling down her cheek. 

Bill noticed her crying and felt guilty. It infuriated him even more. “Don’t think you can manipulate me with your fake crocodile tears. That shit doesn’t work with me anymore” he felt the urge to punch something, maybe her, but he settled for the wall, just above her head. The genuine fear he saw in her eyes made him calm down. 

What was he doing? When everyone turned against him, she was there, like she had always been. And he, being his usual asshole self, was abusing her instead of appreciating it, her. He really was a piece of shit. He sat back on the bed next to her, his hands running through his head as his own tears felt freely down his cheeks. “Fuck, Hillary. Why are we like this? Why am I like this?”

“I’m sorry” she muttered, her hand moving to softly rub his back. That did it for him. There she was, a woman that would love him unconditionally, in the good and the bad times, sickness and in health. Who cared at that point what she had done? He had hurt her his fair share, too. It didn’t matter anymore. She was there with him, in his darkest hours, showing him love in spite of his actions. It was time to give back.  That night, he was going to allow himself to love her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, enjoy! xx  
> Special thanks to my awesome editor

Bill kissed her, softly, like he hadn’t in years. Her heart leaped and once again, wonderful memories from the past overrode her mind that told her she should stop it, that she should know better. She could feel the trepidation, the feeling that something was going to happen, that such tenderness from him couldn’t last. For the moment she would enjoy the kiss, she would enjoy feeling cared for by him. Without breaking their connection, Bill laid her in the bed and positioned himself on top of her. Another unexpected tear fell down her cheek at the realization it still felt right, beautiful.  They could have had it all together, love and happiness and success. But instead they destroyed each other. 

Upon feeling the wetness on his own cheek, Bill pulled apart and looked into her vivid blue eyes. Something changed in him, he was frustrated. Even when he was treating her well, he was still responsible for her tears. That was a daily occurrence in the last few months of their doomed marriage. He was reminded that she was scarred, her heart wounded. He loathed loathe himself for hurting her and irrationally he loathed her for making him feel that way with her tears. The sweet tender love in his eyes was replaced by a darkened gaze. Hillary tried to sit up, but he shoved her, sending her tumbling back into the bed. In a swift motion he was back at kissing her, roughly this time. He pushed his tongue into her mouth and his roaming hands found her round breasts over her clothes.

He slipped a hand inside her sweater and bra and pinched one of her nipples, gripping it forcefully and twisting it. A shiver ran down Hillary’s back and she moaned into his mouth. She couldn’t help it; her heart liked it gentle but her body… it craved it rough. Abruptly, he stopped. He tried to avoid her gaze, but she could tell he was crying too. She brought her hand to his face and softly cupped his cheek, turning his face towards her. Their eyes met. “I love you” she said, without giving it too much thought. It was as true as ever. Her words tugged at his heart and it hit him, he still loved her too. He had tried so hard to hate her, but the truth was that he had never stopped loving her and probably never would. It made their current situation more tragic. He kissed her again, far too briefly for her liking but nevertheless it left her panting. 

He stood up from the bed and Hillary’s heart sank, thinking it was over. Nothing could be further from the truth. He helped her take off her clothes and he motioned for her to get on all fours. Her pussy tingled in anticipation as Bill gripped her hips with one hand, and raised his other one. A stinging smack landed on her bottom. She cried out and bit her lip. She would never say it out loud, but she loved the pain. Light BDSM was something she discovered with Bill and she missed it greatly. Her husband was the antithesis of adventurous and had never been comfortable enough with her husband to show that side. She loved and craved the pleasure mixed with the pain, but in a twisted way, it was also about the punishment. The punishment she felt she deserved for the pain she caused him when she was too weak to hide her own and sought comfort elsewhere. Another spank stopped her train of thought and echoed through the room. She moaned asking for more, and Bill gladly gave it to her.

“Why are you like this Hillary? What do I have to do for you to hate me? I don’t deserve your love” he grunted as he continued spanking her. Tears were falling from his eyes as well as hers and when he heard that her sobs were louder than her moans, he stopped. Gently, he turned her around and she lied in bed and he took in the sight before him. Raw, exposed, and beautiful. Her body was different than he remembered; she wasn’t as skinny as she used to be, her breasts were bigger, hips wider, and her stomach wasn’t as flat as he remembered. Nevertheless, the changes her body had undergone made her more desirable in his eyes. But her eyes, her eyes were the epitome of heartbreak. He’d hurt her too much, both physically and emotionally, and he’d hurt himself in the process. it was time to love her.

He kneeled down between her open legs and started kissing her core. First her neatly trimmed mound, and then her pink lips. He was teasing her, purposely ignoring her most sensitive spots. She kept moaning and he finally had mercy; in a swift motion he inserted two of his long digits into her wet heat. It made her scream. Her body greedily clenched around his fingers. Bill sucked on her bundle of nerves repeatedly as he pumped his fingers in and out. Within seconds, Hillary was coming. He wasn’t expecting the surge of tenderness that awoke in his heart as he watched her come undone. It was as if no time had passed, as if she were still his. He’d been with many women but no one else made him feel the same way. He’d always loved her very much but not always very well and there was nothing he regretted more. It was too late now, they were living separate lives and they would go back to them as soon as the night was over. But he realized that after having her again, he was addicted. Once an addict always an addict, he silently surmised.  

He tenderly kissed her clit before straightening back up. Bill removed his pants and briefs, ready to seek his own pleasure. “Condom?” she managed to ask, and it made his blood boil. He was about to snarkily reply that she didn’t seem to care about condoms when she cheated on him and got pregnant, that maybe he should be the one worried about getting an STD from her, but he stopped himself. It would ruin the moment, she would likely cry, and he would too; once he was alone. He swallowed his pride and tried to be understanding, she was married now, and his reputation preceded him. He made a beeline for his coat and fished inside his pocket for a condom. He made motion to open the packet, but Hillary stopped him. She held her hand out and he placed it into her palm. She tore it open and put it in her mouth. Aiding herself with her hands, she rolled the condom down his member with her lips. Slowly, tortuously, and keeping her sultry gaze on him all the time. 

Bill could barely hold himself together and when she was finished, he pushed her back and slipped between her open thighs ~~.~~ He set a primal rhythm, alternating between short strokes and deep ones until he hit her cervix causing a jolt of pain and pleasure to course through her body. Her nipples tightened further at the delicious feeling. Her walls tightly gripping his cock had him on the edge within minutes but he didn’t want to come without her. He grabbed her ankles and put them on his shoulders. From this angle, he could easily hit her G-spot with every thrust and he was rewarded with a high pitched moan every time he did. Hillary felt the stirring in her lower belly and soon enough she reached her second climax of the night. Even stronger than the first one, it rendered her completely exhausted. When Bill pulled out of her after having emptied himself and lied next to her, she was almost asleep. She barely noticed when he went to the bathroom to dispose of the condom. When was done, he returned back to the bed next to a sleeping Hillary and pulled the cover over their bodies. Thinking she couldn’t hear him, he whispered into her hair “I’m sorry, I should have treated you better”, before falling asleep himself. 

But she did hear him and his words terrified her. What were they doing? Having casual sex with someone who wasn’t her husband was disgusting and disrespectful and she knew better than anyone how much it hurt. But cheating on him with Bill, the man she still harbored intense feelings was another level of betrayal. What scared her the most was that deep inside, she would go back to him, to the life they used to have. He had that addictive effect on her, when he showed her a little love she wanted more and more and in a way, she was willing to work hard to earn his love, to be deserving of it. _What a load of bullshit_ , _as if I didn’t work enough when we were married and look where it got me_ , she told herself, hoping she would finally believe it. She knew how the story ended, she knew that he hadn’t changed, the pain was still fresh, and she would be absolutely crazy to divorce her husband, who had his faults but was a good family man and destroy her family for someone who could never love her enough not to hurt her.

But when she looked at him, sleeping peacefully by her side, her treacherous heart told her to take yet another leap of faith and give him another chance. She was aware of how ridiculous that sounded, and she didn’t even know if that was what he wanted. Probably not. At best, he just realized how dumb she was to be hopelessly in love with him no matter what and would call her whenever he needed a warm body to get off. She was worth more than that. She was an independent woman, a hardworking lawyer and a devoted mother, not anybody’s side chick. Determined not to trip over the same stone twice, Hillary stood up from the bed, careful not to wake him up, and put on her clothes. Without looking back, she left the motel room and Bill, never to return.

 


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near. Enjoy and thank you so much for your support! x

The following months went by with no contact between them. Hillary devoted herself to her family as if nothing had happened and Bill went back to Arkansas, energized to save his sinking campaign. But although his opponent’s lead was diminishing, he was still a couple of points behind, with his numbers plummeting whenever his now ex-wife opened her mouth to attack him for being a bad husband and a bad man. It baffled and it angered him but at the end of the day he knew there was nobody to blame but himself. He remarried for the sake of his political career and he chose the prettiest and best-mannered but not necessarily the kindest and the most loyal. Theirs was an unspoken contract and he should have known she’d turn on him when her social status was in peril.

He saw it crystal clear now, he should have never let Hillary go, he should have never pushed her away. She loved him unconditionally and he should have never let his male pride get the best of him. Who knows, maybe he could have learned to love her child now that he knew he could never have any. Moreover, it had taken him years to admit it but he was now aware that, in a way, he drove her to it, that he made her feel as if she were disposable to him, when in reality, she was his treasure. The more he thought about it, their tumultuous relationship and their dramatic fallout, he realized he wanted her to be happy, but he wanted to be happy too. And few things would make him happier than a future with her.  He knew she still loved him, she told him herself. There was a chance he could win her back. But first, he wanted to become a man worthy of her, and that started with him winning his reelection. 

But the odds weren’t in his favor and he ended up losing by around 10,000 votes, mostly married evangelical women, who were reluctant to vote for a twice-divorced womanizer accused of rape. He was crushed, humiliated, rejected. He wanted to be invisible, he wanted to flee. As soon as he gave his concession speech, he fled to the one who would always love him. 

*** 

Hillary was watching the election night coverage on TV. Her sons were already sleeping and so was her husband, who had to wake up early for an important meeting. He was never very interested in politics, except when they affected his corporate affairs. It was another thing she missed about Bill, how they would celebrate or cry over the results, how they would speculate about the future. But tonight she was watching it alone. She was fretting as the results came in, and she was happy her preferred candidate for whom she had phone banked and raised funds won the Virginia Senate seat, as well as about the fact that a couple women candidates won their races, but it still wasn’t enough representation. She was also absolutely dismayed Reagan had won reelection but it was foregone. And she was utterly sad Bill lost.

She truly wanted to celebrate his loss, his karmic comeuppance, but she couldn’t. He had been a good governor, fair and as progressive as one could get in the deep south. It also meant that the programs they had worked on together, especially those advocating for tolerance and those focused on black people or female empowerment, were likely to be gutted. Moreover, many of those wonderful hardworking government employees would be sacked and the strain of having to find a new job would fall upon them. And then there was Bill, who had worked hard to save his campaign, who was a flawed person but always had the best interest of his home state in mind. She remembered how fondly he spoke of Arkansas when they first met, how passionately he had announced his plans to save his state. If she were honest with herself, although she still held some grudges, she could still recognize the potential the people of Arkansas had, but now progress would be halted.  

She knew it wasn’t over forever, she knew Bill could run again in four years, but she also remembered the devastation when he lost his first race, for attorney general.  How they spent the whole night talking on the phone as he cried and she tried in vain to console his inconsolable soul. And how the following weeks he proceeded to fuck everything with a pulse, looking for something other than pity, and jeopardizing their brittle relationship in the process. She had stepped in back then, her own feelings be damned, and helped him stage a comeback, turning herself into a doormat he would step on many more times in the future. Things were different now. For once, they weren’t together anymore, and her self-esteem wasn’t as flimsy anymore. She was sure he didn’t even want or need her help anymore. He still hated her after all, but the least she could do was affordhim the courtesy of a phone call. She was about to pick up the phone to call him at the mansion when she heard a cry coming from upstairs.

*** 

Bill arrived to Washington DC shortly after noon, and checked into his go-to motel. The plane ticket cost him a fortune due to the massive air traffic going to the capital after the election and perhaps it would have been wiser for him to wait for a cheaper price now that he was unemployed but he wanted to arrive in DC as soon as possible. He now knew what he wanted, a future in the capital, with her. Or maybe they could run away together, leaving all the pain and bad memories behind to start over together. ~~~~

First, he needed to talk to her. He inserted a coin into his bedroom’s phone and dialed her office’s number he had learned by heart, but he learned she hadn’t gone to work today. He felt touched, thinking she was so devastated he lost she couldn’t go to work. After some insisting, he obtained her home number and called her right away.

Nothing.

“Maybe she is napping” he thought, but when he called again two hours later there was once again no ~~t~~ response. A thousand scenarios crossed his mind, what if she was sick? Depressed? What if something happened to her? He would drive to her house but ~~s~~ he wasn’t sure where exactly she lived and the Georgetown area was very broad. He waited another hour and called her again. A low tense male voice he assumed belonged to Hillary’s husband picked up. He had to think fast and picked up a secret name he knew she would recognize. 

“Hillary, you have a call from a man called Jefferson Blythe” Bill heard him say. He couldn’t quite hear her response but seconds later, Hillary’s husband informed him that she was too busy to talk to him right now and that she’d get back at him when she could. He politely said good bye and hung up, leaving Bill stone cold. 

So she didn’t want to talk with him? _Fuck her_ , he thought, but two hours later he was still thinking about it. He examined his own behavior. Why was she giving him the cold shoulder? Had he pissed her off? Was she fed up with him? Maybe he should have called in the weeks since their last encounter, but he was too busy with his campaign. He thought she understood but maybe she didn’t. If it was just that, he could easily make amends. He knew Hillary was a reasonable woman, he could probably convince her. He decided to call her again. 

Again, her husband’s irritated voice greeted him. He once again heard him tell her Jefferson Blythe was on the phone but her response was the same. She still wouldn’t talk to him. _Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her_ , he cursed her as he opened up a beer. He told himself he would stop calling her, he wouldn’t insist anymore. He wasn’t going to let her savour the humiliation of seeing him grovel for her attention. Yet, half an hour and another beer later he was calling her again. This time, it went straight to the voicemail. No, he wasn’t giving up, she was going to hear him even if he spent all his money on the payphone. He kept calling her as he downed beer after beer and finally, when his inebriated self could barely dial the blurry numbers, he heard her voice on the other line. 

“Bill, please stop calling” she said softly, her voice a mixture of exasperation and despair. It infuriated him, he was the one being ignored and there she was with her trademark emotional blackmail. Well, it was not going to work.

“Why Hilly? Are you afraid your husband will hear you talking to your lover? Will you fuck him tonight to so he doesn’t suspect you’re a whore?” he heard her sigh at his slurred cutting words. She didn’t really want to deal with his drunken nastiness right now. 

“I really can’t talk right now” she told him brusquely. 

“Why? Is a loser like me not worthy of your attention anymore?” his own sarcasm hurt himself too, and tears of frustration appeared in his eyes. “I tried everything. Goddammit I worked 24 hours a day for two months but everything and everyone was against me. My hard work was worth shit. I lost! Have I lost you too? You don’t want me now that I am a nobody?” by the end of his intervention, he was openly crying and Hillary’s heart sunk. She wanted to cry, but she had already shed all her tears that day. 

“It’s not that… I’m proud of your hard work. You didn’t deserve to lose” her words were met with the sound of his sobs. A crying in her own house attracted her attention. “Look, I’m sorry I really have to go.” 

“Come to the motel” he said “I need you baby, please.” 

“I can’t…” she mumbled, her attention was elsewhere. She watched as her husband ran upstairs, willing to end this conversation as soon as possible. 

“Why the fuck not!? You are all talk and no action. Just tell me you’re fucking sick of me and I won’t bother you again. Just tell me I’m a piece of shit and you’re much happier with your wet fish of a husband and your two brats. That you love your perfect life and you don’t need me to give you what you need.” 

“Enough!” she screamed, but calmed herself down so she wouldn’t alert her husband. “Tommy is sick, you asshole. He has pneumonia. We spent the whole morning at the hospital with him and he is feeling better now, his body temperature is lower, but we still have to be vigilant.” 

“So what?” he said dismissively. He did feel for her, but he was still disappointed she wouldn’t go see him when she said her son was fine now. In his current state of rage, he couldn’t quite convey the duality of his feelings. 

“What? You won’t even pretend to care?” she replied incredulously.

“No. Why should I care about the wellbeing of the reason we are not together anymore? I don’t give a flying fuck.” he regretted his words as soon as they came out of his mouth but he couldn’t stop. Once again, his imperiously recurrent desire to hurt her won over.

“You can’t be serious” Hillary shook her head in disbelief. This did not sound like the Bill she used to know.

“Oh yes, I am serious. Fuck your spawn, fuck your husband, and fuck you. You are such…” 

“No, fuck you, Bill!” she interrupted him angrily. “I’m done with you. I can’t even recognize the man I married eight years ago. It’s over” and she hung up. 

 _Over? No, it’s not over. It can’t be over_ , Bill thought in panic as he furiously dialed her number once again. Hillary picked up at the first ring and her voice sounded more solemn and final than it ever had. 

“If you bother me again, I will call the police.” 

It was over.


	7. Chapter 7

A year later, Bill had established himself in Washington. Truth be told, he thought about abandoning his plans to start a life in DC and go back to Arkansas after his fallout with Hillary. He was no longer under the illusion that he could ever get her back after the horrible things he said the last time they talked and how final her last words were so what was the point? But he came to understand that he couldn’t just go back to Arkansas either. For the first time he could see it clearly; how his self-destructiveness partly stemmed from the expectations he faced in Arkansas, its traditions and its patented modus operandi of turning the other cheek and being polite while stabbing the other in the back. The hypocrisy of some of his so-called friends, of his own mother who only made half-hearted excuses for him in order to maintain her status as a respectable lady, made him want to vomit. Arkansas is beautiful and everyone is welcoming when you are at the top, but if you fall from their graces, you are suddenly a pariah. He now understood Hillary, and he was sorry he made her go through that.

Hillary. He tried to forget her, but the truth is that she was still guiding his life like a lighthouse. He wanted to make her proud. When he started seeing a therapist, he thought of her; when he got a job as a legislative director in the House of Representatives, he thought of her; and even when a year later he started dating a coworker, he thought of her. He no longer saw her as someone attainable, but rather as his idealized paragon of strength and rectitude, the ethereal goddess of persistence and kindness, of unconditional love. That was until he saw her again and was reminded of her tangibility, of her imperfections and his undying love for her.

It was an unusually cold May day and Bill was at Kroger buying some groceries during his lunch break. He’d spent the night with his girlfriend Shelby and when he arrived home, he noticed his own fridge was empty. He thought that maybe he and Shelby should move together, given that he spent most of the time in her Hawthorne townhouse. He was in the cereal aisle when someone pulled at his pants. He looked down to see a little boy, not older than eight or nine, with blond hair and big blue eyes that he thought looked familiar.

“Can you get me the box of Cheerios, sir?” he asked, pointing at the cereal box that was too high for him. He smiled and got it down for him, when another kid came running towards them.

He must have been a few years younger than the first kid, around three. With darker and wavier hair, but the same big blue eyes. He was sure these boys were siblings. The younger one also asked him to get him another box of cereals, Froot Loops this time.

“Why are you so tall?” the youngest asked. “You are taller than daddy and daddy is very huge.”

He smiled and was about to school him about eating well to grow tall when the mother of the children appeared at the opposite side of the aisle, looking to be in frantic search for them. Hillary. He should have known; those eyes were a clear giveaway. Pushing a shopping cart, she walked purposely towards them. She was wearing a dark green tracksuit so different from the clothing the high profile lawyer he occasionally saw on TV would wear and he could tell her hair was longer tied up in a ponytail. Her face was make up-free and she had her big Rodham glasses on—albeit a more fashionable model than the ones she used to wear when they first met. She looked authentic, raw and incredibly beautiful. His heart started beating wildly as she came closer. 

“Boys I told you not to disturb other people. If you want something, you ask me and I’ll get it for you, ok?” she told them, firmly but lovingly. Like a mother. It warmed Bill’s heart. 

She looked up to apologize to the man in question, but her words got stuck in her throat when she realized who it was. William Jefferson Clinton, arguably the love of her life. His hair was more white than salt and pepper, slightly chubbier but wearing a grey suit that made him look incredibly handsome. Her pulse quickened when their eyes met. The intensity was too much she had to avert her gaze as her eyes filled with tears. She was not expecting to ever see him in person again.

“To be fair, Hillary. I don’t think you could reach the Cheerios yourself. You’ve always been a munchkin” he said, to lighten the mood. He’d always teased her about her height and his words rolled off of his tongue as if no time had passed between them and they were still a young couple teasing each other at the Yale library. Her lack of response made him anxious, he didn’t want her to hate him even more. Finally, she laughed and he let out a breath as he joined her. Her laugh always had that infectious effect on him. 

“Well just because I’m no giraffe like you it doesn’t mean I’m a munchkin” she quipped, maintaining the good humor. She wasn’t expecting this odd feeling of comfort and warmth that spread across her chest. 

“One thing doesn’t rule out the other, darling” she froze upon hearing his term of endearment and he noticed. He didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. 

“Goodbye, Bill” she told him quickly as she turned around to follow her little troublemakers who were already chatting up a middle-aged woman in the cookie aisle. She didn’t want to look back; she didn’t want to be next to him any longer. She’d made progress with her dependency and guilt issues and in his proximity, it felt flimsy. She felt so vulnerable next to him. Bill held her arm to stop her.

“We need to talk” he told her softly. She answered that there was no need, as she tried to wriggle out of his hold. “I want to apologize. Last time we talked, I wasn’t fair to you. I shouldn’t have said that, I didn’t mean it. I was going through a rough time but that’s not an excuse. The truth is I abused you not just that time, but countless times when we were together. I took you for granted, I didn’t love you like you deserved. You are so good you deserve better and I just want you to be happy. Happy with a man that treats you like the precious gem you are, with your two little angels” as soon as he said that, they both watched as Tommy distracted the woman while Trevor tried to climb into the woman’s cart to steal something they liked. “Or devils” they chuckled. “But never settle for any less. Never settle for someone like me who all he did was bringing you down. You deserve to be happy and I wish you well.”

Both had tears in their eyes when he finished talking. Hillary quickly wiped them and muttered “thank you for saying that” before walking away from him and up to her kids. Bill watched her as she reprimanded them, genuinely happy that she got the chance to be a mother. Then he turned around and went to pay, leaving the love of his life behind. 

Hours later, in the privacy of her shower she was once again crying over Bill Clinton. Only that this time her tears felt different. In a twisted way, all she’d ever done was trying to earn his approval, his love, his appreciation of her indefatigable loyalty to him. Now she finally got it and it was cathartic. But hers were also tears of loss. Before that day, she hadn’t quite assimilated Bill was out of her life forever. Maybe it was for the better but it still hurt. He was her soulmate and she would always live with a void in her heart, mourning what could have been if only they’d been a little less flawed. Yet the first step was accepting the fact that theirs was a missed opportunity.  Maybe now she could finally move on. 

Bill on his part, left the supermarket with a very different feeling. While he had given up on his pursuit of Hillary, he could not stop thinking about her. He was like an addict who’d been sober for years and once he got a taste of his favorite drug was again hooked. Shelby noticed, she noticed him how he seemed distraught, even in the middle of their lovemaking. After some time, things went back to normal.  He stopped daydreaming and focused on his work and his relationship. Yet, every morning he woke up with an added motivation, a titillating feeling that Hillary was out there, in the same city, and maybe that day, their paths would cross again. 

It was inevitable. Washington DC wasn’t that big of a town and the political circles were small and tight-knit. The first time they saw each other after their grocery store encounter was in November of that same year, at a party to celebrate the Democrats success in the midterms. Both were there with their partners, exchanged a few pleasantries and didn’t speak again. Their conversation was short but cordial and there was no palpable awkwardness. It left them both wanting more. Almost a year later, they met again, this time for the funeral of a common friend. He gave a brilliant eulogy, speaking from the heart and reminding Hillary of his humanity, something she’d long stripped him of in order to make their separation more bearable. They talked a little during the reception and despite the somber situation, they still made each other laugh. They realized how they were not bitter nor angry anymore, that they were comfortable in each other’s presence. They both left the funeral with a smile and promised to meet for coffee at some point, even though they knew that was not going to happen. 

Yet it was as if God wanted their paths to cross. Less than two months later, at a gala to raise funds to save children in Africa, he saw her entering the room in a dazzling golden dress and his breath caught in his throat. Her husband wasn’t with her and neither was his girlfriend, so he knew he had to ask her for a dance. Much to his surprise, she accepted. When they danced, they could feel the electricity, the magic. It was obvious that they were still very much attracted to each other, but they didn’t dread falling into the abyss of toxicity anymore. Instead, they simply enjoyed having the other close, were happy to be in the other’s arms. They once again promised to meet for coffee and this time they followed through. 

Two weeks later, they meet at a café on Capitol Hill. They laughed and they talked about everything. For some reason, it didn’t seem wrong but natural. They were both over the past and could potentially become friends, after all, no one understood each other better. Bill however, who was prone to fantasizing, found himself aiming for a friendship but hopefully something more in the future. He now believed he was finally a good man for her and he hoped he could make his case and at some point try to get her back. It was wistful thinking but as the frequency of their meetings grew and they became flirtier, it seemed more and more like a reality. He even broke up with his girlfriend, feeling it wasn’t ethical to string her along when he was dreaming about someone else. After all, he was a changed man, not a playboy anymore.

But when Hillary broke out the news to him, his dreams were shattered. She was pregnant again, expecting her third child with her husband. He congratulated her, he was really happy for her, but he was also reminded of the reality: she had a husband who made her happy and he was just a friend. So he stepped back and acted as just that, a good friend. He supported her, celebrated her triumphs and comforted her during her losses. Including the hardest of all. On August 27th 1990, Tom Miller, Hillary’s husband died in a car crash, leaving her behind along with their children Tommy, 12, Trevor, 7, and Megan, 8 months. 

Bill was there for her throughout the grieving process, helping her bounce back even stronger, sometimes even acting as a father to her children, especially little Megan. It brought them closer. The rest happened gradually. A romantic dinner, a furtive kiss, a mistake that wasn’t really a mistake… eventually they stopped beating around the bush and admitted the truth: yes, they had a history, they’d hurt each other in the past, but they had changed for the better and they were in love. They hadn’t forced it, it just happened and If they didn’t give their budding relationship a chance, they would regret it forever. They didn’t want any more regrets. They started out slowly, tentatively, but eventually, they made it official. They were happy, her children approved, her youngest even thought of him as a father. They got married a few years later, knowing that this time it was forever. 

On their wedding night, Bill laid awake in bed. Hillary slept soundly with her head on his chest, completely spent after their lovemaking. When he thought about it, it almost felt surreal. Having her in his arms as his wife again, after all they went through, after all the pain and tears. Yet, he realized that he wouldn’t change a thing. Certainly he wished he hadn’t hurt her but everything happened for a reason. If he hadn’t been such a womanizer, they wouldn’t be where they are now. They had a solid marriage based on mutual love, support and respect, with three young human beings that made him proud and that he loved as if they were his own. Who cared about his political career? About his past dreams of grandeur? He looked at her and realized that he truly had it all. He truly felt like the happiest man in the world.

They now knew that marriages weren’t easy. They wouldn’t always be as happy as they were now. They’d have to endure more hardships as well as learning to navigate the ecstasy of life without losing themselves and falling into cynicism. But they had experience, determination, and love.  They’d make it work.

 

_At the end of the day, love does not happen between two perfect people as much as we wish. —_ Hillary Diane Rodham Clinton.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is officially the end! I really hope you liked this little story and thank you all for your support, feedback and help. You're the best! Each and everyone of you make this fandom great <3


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